This has been a big weekend of thinking more or less for me...thinking and internal struggle. I've been wrestling with the fact that I am not very good about being open and real with others since last spring and it's been convicting but I haven't really done very much to act on it. God kind of, ok not kind of, He definitely placed me in a situation this weekend to make this very clear to me and I was kind of able to be called out on it. One of my roommates and I had a solid heart to heart about well community and more or less living life together. You can't live life together without being real...that's not real life! I have had a really hard time being real with others who are outside of my immediate family for a long time, and I think part of that reason was either I didn't want to burden them or I didn't want them to feel sorry for me or pity me. But I've kind of come to realize that those things don't matter, people can't love you if they don't know what you're struggling with. Love doesn't have to mean pity.
A final thought I have regarding this stems from Shift. For those who don't know Shift is a campus ministry I'm involved with at Bethel and basically what we do is reach out to the freshman class in hopes of forming relationships and having Bible studies as floor communities. I'm a team leader for Shift this year which means I (with a partner) lead the Shift leaders, and one thing we committed to from the beginning was memorizing scripture together so we've just been taking turns sharing one of our favorite verses. This weeks verse is Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Now when I first heard this verse I was like "Duh, of course I'm not trying to please anyone but God," but as I have reflected on my life this weekend I have seen things differently. Why am I not being real with those close to me? Because I'm afraid of what they'll think or say? Because I don't want to step on toes? Those are definitely not focused on God for one thing, and for another those are not love! Wow. I feel like God has been trying to teach me this for a long time and it just now finally clicked!
I have made a commitment to be more genuine with those around me. Not genuine in the sense that I am really being kind or caring or those things...that is great but I want to be real with others, transparent, I want to go beyond surface level because I was created for more than that! I have a purpose in this world and I cannot fulfill that by living halfheartedly...it's just not possible...
So if you feel led, I would appreciate your prayers in as I truly try to begin this new journey of real life.
Bailey!!!! I'm going to start reading your blog now... I feel like if it's easier for you to be real here, maybe that's as good a place as any to start. I really appreciate your honesty in writing these posts... and I love the way you write. It's so different from talking in person... walls come down, you know? I've been feeling the same way about community, as you know. The thing that gets in the way are those individual differences that can seem scary or as if they are pushing you away... but I firmly believe that it is the devil who would be telling you to LEAVE those relationships. What would Jesus do, you know?? First and foremost, we need to love God and let him fill us, but Secondly, we NEED to love others. And sometimes we have to love them selflessly without expecting anything in return. You're an amazing person, Bailey, and I really appreciate that you wrote about this. I truly think a LOT of us are in this exact stage of thought/life, so let's continue the conversation in boldness and love.
ReplyDeleteI Love You!!!!