A granddaughter's thoughts

Before I begin, let me just say that while this is relatively long, I could write more and still not to justice to my thoughts and feelings regarding this subject.

Last time I wrote I was preparing myself to say "goodbye for now" to someone who has been very influential in my life and who has always been very dear to me. My sweet Grandma Diane passed away on Sunday after a long battle with cancer. Leading up to her death there were a few things I knew would be true when her life on earth ended: that she would no longer have any pain, that she would be reunited with Jesus, and that despite those wonderful things I would miss her terribly until we met again.

It has been 5 days since she has been set free from her earthly body and I rejoice greatly that she is now with Jesus and no longer has any tears or pain, but my heart aches from missing her already. It is hard to say goodbye to someone you love. My Grandpa Butch died five years ago and I still sometimes find it hard to believe that he is gone.  This pain has doubled now that Grandma is gone.  I imagine in some capacity I will miss both of them for the rest of my life.

In adjusting to life without Grandma, I am clinging to the hope we have in Jesus as his beloved children. I don't know how people go through times like these without him. I know his timing is best and that He loved my grandma more than anyone else in this world (even more than Grandpa Butch did, and he loved her A LOT)! How sweet to be able to trust in Jesus...

In addition I am also remembering how blessed I was to have her as a grandma and all the wonderful memories I have of her.

When I think of Grandma Diane, I think of...

• A woman who was selfless and kind
• A woman who didn't fuss or complain regardless of what life threw at her
• A woman who loved her family dearly
• A woman who was creative and made beautiful crafts
• A woman who was an excellent cook
• A woman with the most wonderful laugh and beautiful smile
• A woman who was always so easy to talk to
• A woman who was welcoming and hospitable--I will so miss being able to just walk into her house for a visit whenever

Some of my favorite memories with Grandma Diane...

• Watching her play bells growing up and then getting to play with her last spring. I loved the extra time this let me spend with her and the looks and smiles we would exchange from our different spots around the table.
• Making wedding boutonnières with her. She was so good at it, but still so humble. I loved getting to share in my wedding planning with her. 
• Sunday afternoon visits. I loved going over to their house for no reason other than to just spend time with them. 
• Making Kringle and other goodies. I especially remember helping get different desserts ready with her before Christmas several different times. She was always so patient and helpful.
• Family vacations when she came to a Minnesota lake house and to North Carolina with us. What a sweet time to share with her. I also loved the whole Clayberg family vacations we went on growing up. 
• Listening to she and Grandpa talk...they shared such a beautiful love. I am so thankful she doesn't have to miss him anymore. 
• Playing games like Boggle. My grandma was clever and quick and it was fun to see her in action--even if it meantime losing :) 
• Seeing her at different events my siblings, cousins, and I have been in. One of my favorites was when she came up to my bell choir concert at Bethel. It was so kind of her to come especially since I had always admired her playing in church. 
• Watching her with her children and grandchildren especially Sam. They had their own special relationship and it is easily seen in the way Sam adores looking at her picture and pointing her out to anyone sitting next to him. My favorite memory of the two of them is her always asking Sam for "two armed hugs". My aunts and uncles and cousins are proof of what a great grandmother and mother she was.

Things I most admire about Grandma Diane...

• Her selfless love
• Her strength 
• Her positive attitude 

Sometimes I struggle with feeling silly for missing my grandma so much because she was "only a grandma", but she wasn't "only a grandma" to me. She is big part of why I am the person I am today. She has been a positive example of what it looks like to be a godly woman. She has been one of my greatest supporters and encouragers. She has been one of my favorite people to see and visit with. She made me feel special and loved even though I was one of sixteenth grandchildren. She raised my mom and my aunts and uncles to be the people they are today which has contributed to how tightly knit the family is. She was a beautiful woman in so many ways and I could go on and on. 

Final thoughts...while it is so very hard to know she is gone, I know she is with Jesus and those of us left behind will be ok. 

 What a blessing her life was to me and will continue to be as I continue on following her example of Christlike living.  I hope to be a great wife like she was and someday be a great mother and grandmother as well.  

Charley and I with Grandma at Easter.  So thankful for this lovely picture!

Loved getting this hug on our wedding day...I will miss this hug so much. 

Yellow rose in honor of Grandma...what a beautiful favorite flower.  

Finally, my favorite song that reminds me of Grandma Diane and Grandpa Butch: "Remember When"

Thinking on goodbyes

I have been thinking a lot about goodbyes lately.  As humans, we say goodbye to people all the time.  Last week I told my kindergartners goodbye without much chance of seeing them again.  On Monday I said goodbye to a college friend with plans to see her again in a few weeks.  I said goodbye to my sister Shelby who is in London, we probably won't get the chance to skype again until she is back home.  I said goodbye to Michael yesterday before coming down to Iowa for the rest of the week.  Goodbyes are interesting...some are before long times apart, some for short, and some are for forever.  Sometimes you don't think about your goodbyes at all, while other times you spend a lot of time preparing for it.  Goodbyes can be forgetful or memorable.  Usually the memorable ones are the ones that are more emotional...two of my most memorable goodbyes were with people I loved.

The first was with Michael during the summer of 2011.  We were engaged, but were not spending our summer together.  He had come to visit me and camp and when he was leaving I was so sad to see him go.  I knew I was going to miss him a lot in the next few weeks and it brought a lot of tears.  That was a goodbye where I was planning to see him again in 2 or 3 weeks.

The other really memorable goodbye that is on my mind right now was my last goodbye to Grandpa Butch.  It was one we had been preparing for, but I hadn't planned out what I wanted to say.  In truth I don't remember much about what I said, but I remember him and what I felt and how hard it was to walk away.

Goodbyes can be painless or painful.  Often when we are in pain we turn to God and ask why it has to be this way.  We can get bitter or hardhearted, but that really isn't looking at Christ in the right light.  When we feel we are suffering and turn to Jesus, we should remember the pain he suffered for us so that we never have to say goodbye to him.  What love...to suffer so much in order to conquer death and safe sinners for himself.  Easter was over a week ago, but the truth remains that we have nothing if we don't have Jesus.  He didn't simply save sinners for life in Heaven, but for real life now.  My heart swells with love and thankfulness when I consider the grace and love He has shown to me.  Life can be hard with goodbyes and loneliness, but as a saint saved by God's sweet grace I never have to be alone.

Jesus, what a Friend for sinners!

Jesus, Lover of my soul;

Friends may fail me, foes assail me,

He, my Savior, makes me whole.

Refrain:

Hallelujah! what a Savior!

Hallelujah! what a Friend!

Saving, helping, keeping, loving,

He is with me to the end.

Jesus, what a Strength in weakness!

Let me hide myself in Him.

Tempted, tried, and sometimes failing,

He, my Strength, my victory wins.

Jesus, what a Help in sorrow!

While the billows over me roll,

Even when my heart is breaking,

He, my Comfort, helps my soul.