An Encounter with Grief

Grief in an interesting thing.  I was struck by this today during our car ride home from our Thanksgiving weekend.  The ride was fine, but towards the end I started to feel a bit carsick--stomachache and headache, just feeling lousy.  This lead me to feelings of frustration and self-centeredness.  I was crabby about feeling gross and that spread to negativity towards going back to work again tomorrow.  To combat this negativity and to try to distract myself into feeling better I put in my headphones and put a song I have been enjoying lately on repeat, then I leaned my head forward to just "soak in" the music and try to "escape" for a few minutes. 

As I was listening to the song I recognized and appreciated a hint of country sound in the artists voice. 

Country music always makes me think of my dear Grandpa Butch. 

Thinking of Grandpa reminded me of what was happening during this upcoming week 6 years ago--finding out Grandpa was fighting a losing battle, finding out he would be removed from the machines assisting him in living in a few days, seeing his smile one more time, rubbing his head, saying a tearful goodbye, and hearing the news I was expecting to hear on that Wednesday afternoon on December 5th that Grandpa had passed away. 

And suddenly I was in tears missing my Grandpa and the wonderful man that he was.  I miss his laugh, I miss his smile, I miss sitting on his lap, I miss his hugs, I miss hearing him talk, I miss the mouse in his arm, I miss his whisker rubs, I miss truck rides, I miss lazy afternoons, I miss everything about him. 

These overwhelming feelings of missing him came out of no where and without any warning. 

When you lose someone important to you it seems that while time heals the wounds and allows you to return to a new normal, there is still an inexpressible ache that comes from missing them.  There doesn't have to be a big reason for the grief to occur, sometimes it just stems from hearing a little country twang in a song. 

I appreciate grief.  I like the reminder it brings of how important and special that person was and still is to me.  I would be a different person today if I hadn't had such an incredible man like my Grandpa Butch involved in my life. 

For me grief also pulls me to Jesus.  As I was quietly letting the tears fall in the car I found that I didn't want to be around anyone, but I didn't want to be alone--enter Jesus.  Jesus knew and loved my Grandpa better than anyone and He knows and loves me better than I know or can love myself.  He knows my heart and the sad ache that comes over me when I miss that man.  He sees and cares about every tear. 

I found myself silently worshiping my God who loved my family the same even when our lives were changed forever as Grandpa was taken from us. 

Through remembering my Grandpa and my time of quiet worship, I was convicted of my attitude...God did not create me to be a fussy individual who dreads going to work after a long weekend.  My Grandpa was a wonderful example of an individual with a positive attitude and what it means to live a life that is selfless, dedicated, and hardworking.  He did not waste his life and I do not want to waste mine. 

God does not forsake his children.  He is with them in good times and bad.  He is with them in life and in death.  I love the song "Wonderful, Merciful, Savior".  I love how it describes God as Father, Savior, and Spirit.  It is the song I was lead to in my worship this evening and it is the song I leave you with tonight. 

Listen to "Wonderful, Merciful, Savior" here

Grandpa and 3 of his girls...some of the sweetest blessings and memories God has given me.